Tag Archives: politics

FEMA Officials Hounded by White House for Access to “Golden Alert Laptop”

After a test of the Presidential Alert system on Wednesday morning reached U.S. mobile phones across the nation, rumblings from the White House signaled a problem. After being denied a squirrel, the President insisted that FEMA hand over what he described as the “spectacular, miraculous, glorious golden laptop” which sends messages that everyone must read.


Continue reading FEMA Officials Hounded by White House for Access to “Golden Alert Laptop”

Brave: Donald Trump Suggests Robert Mueller Sexually Assaulted Him

In a shocking strategic pivot, Donald Trump took to Twitter on Friday accusing Robert Mueller of sexually assaulting him. Embattled by investigations into Russian influence swaying his 2016 election as well as his Supreme Court nominee’s qualifications, Trump courageously came forward about his rape by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.


Continue reading Brave: Donald Trump Suggests Robert Mueller Sexually Assaulted Him

Flag Returns to Half Staff After White House Aides Explain Concept Of Death To President Trump

Washington, DC—The flag sitting atop the White House returned to half staff on Monday in remembrance of John McCain’s service to the nation once senior aides successfully explained human mortality to President Trump. A lesson long overdue, it was delivered on a mixture of media favored by Trump including whiteboard illustrations and a Sesame Street special about grieving.

Continue reading Flag Returns to Half Staff After White House Aides Explain Concept Of Death To President Trump

Trump Blames U.S. Prisoner Strike on Removal of Mystical Confederate Effigies Against Black Crime

WASHINGTON D.C.—President Trump delivered a surprise press conference on the White House lawn this morning in response to nationwide prisoner protests over unfair conditions. He decried the source of the peaceful protests, citing the removal of ancient magical wards against “spreading darkness”. Citing the numerous examples of citizens’ groups and politicians “taking a big fat eraser and removing our historical shields against barbarism,” Trump suggested that we made this bed, now we get to lie in it.

Continue reading Trump Blames U.S. Prisoner Strike on Removal of Mystical Confederate Effigies Against Black Crime

Trump Promises Resurrection of All Fallen Soldiers. Nice!

In an uncharacteristic maneuver for this silent and pensive president, Donald Trump spoke to the people on Monday through a social media platform he has typically eschewed. Breaking his cloistered silence to commemorate those who have given their lives while serving in the United States armed forces, he made it clear that he intended for all of them to rise from the grave.

Continue reading Trump Promises Resurrection of All Fallen Soldiers. Nice!

Florida Did Something About Gun Violence: Shunned Porn

Mass Shootings Surely a Thing of the Past After Porn Receives Stern Talking-To

In the wake of the most recent deadly school shooting in Tallahassee, FL, the state’s House of Representatives convened to tackle once and for all the obvious causes behind a growing epidemic of gun violence tightening its white-knuckled grip on our nation’s balls. Not ones to shy away from the hard topics until children are outside literally screaming at them, they knew that no lengthy filibuster would save them from legitimately cracking down on this problem. Continue reading Florida Did Something About Gun Violence: Shunned Porn