Louisville, KY—Professor Paws, golden Labrador and darling of the Parker family, has waged an exhausting war to defend the couple and their two infant children from dark forces. While Paws’ antics serve as amusement for the oblivious family he would gladly lay his life down for, ancient powers beyond their imagining hunger for their blood and skin.
Local man Jerry Beneke today received an extensive laundry list of his deep character flaws and irredeemable qualities masquerading as a festive birthday card. Received in the mail with only an image of a hand flipping the bird for a return address which he originally took as a joke, his bright mood took a turn when it dawned on him that the comprehensive list was a straightforward accusation.
In efforts to offset the tragic and completely unavoidable killing of a Trader Joe’s manager on Saturday, the store is amplifying its employee rewards track with a token to present at the River Styx. In the event that an unknowable and cruel god once again acts through the unwitting hands of a Los Angeles police officer to send them to the underworld, any Trader Joe’s manager may redeem the token for safe passage.
I’m Coming for You Gambling, and Your Little Bitch Kenny Rogers
Once upon a time I met a tubby asshole on a train who went on to write a hit song about me. He managed to detail my gambling talent while leaving out all of my colorful exploits. “The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep”, are you pulling my fucking penis? I told Rogers that the best you can hope for is three women at the same time. I’m setting the record straight for that tone-deaf dumbbell.