After a test of the Presidential Alert system on Wednesday morning reached U.S. mobile phones across the nation, rumblings from the White House signaled a problem. After being denied a squirrel, the President insisted that FEMA hand over what he described as the “spectacular, miraculous, glorious golden laptop” which sends messages that everyone must read.
Key sectors drip with flavor,
For the indigent to savor,
The table is set,
For the appetites we’ve whet.
The Los Angeles Police Department Code of Conduct Has Been Reduced to ‘Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law’
Los Angeles, CA—In order to modernize an outdated code of conduct that didn’t properly reflect current ethics standards, Los Angeles police departments have been rolling out updates that comply with Thelemic Law. The change is intended to boost morale in the face of criticism by eliminating any confusing pretense of protecting or serving.
Louisville, KY—Professor Paws, golden Labrador and darling of the Parker family, has waged an exhausting war to defend the couple and their two infant children from dark forces. While Paws’ antics serve as amusement for the oblivious family he would gladly lay his life down for, ancient powers beyond their imagining hunger for their blood and skin.
Washington, DC—The flag sitting atop the White House returned to half staff on Monday in remembrance of John McCain’s service to the nation once senior aides successfully explained human mortality to President Trump. A lesson long overdue, it was delivered on a mixture of media favored by Trump including whiteboard illustrations and a Sesame Street special about grieving.
The recent erasure of all Netflix film and television reviews has left its most stalwart reviewers feeling bereft and listless. Long accustomed to wielding the awesome power of shaping opinion for late night streamers and Tinder enthusiasts on the streaming platform, rogue critics have found themselves adrift in a cold and uncaring world. As days go by, these itinerant pundits search for new meaning.
WASHINGTON D.C.—President Trump delivered a surprise press conference on the White House lawn this morning in response to nationwide prisoner protests over unfair conditions. He decried the source of the peaceful protests, citing the removal of ancient magical wards against “spreading darkness”. Citing the numerous examples of citizens’ groups and politicians “taking a big fat eraser and removing our historical shields against barbarism,” Trump suggested that we made this bed, now we get to lie in it.
CAPE TOWN—An Internet pedophile ring with a measly 1,000 members—small fries in the world of the sexually monstrous—has been uncovered and pillaged by an exponentially larger pedophile ring with global reach. Taking matters into their own hands when law enforcement failed to uncover the cabal of perverts, the larger ring freed 12-year-old Daniel Burroughs from his cheap rope bindings and replaced them with high quality manacles on Friday.
Robert Jenkins, Chief Ufologist with the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence and unwitting Lothario, has had to change his cell phone number once again. Another promising line of inquiry into the sinister government cabal that hides the truth of UFOs dead ended when Jenkins received a flood of nude photos instead.
I Know What You See When You Look At Me, Asshole: Nothing
Don’t pull that Stevie Wonder routine, your vacant and cheery smile doesn’t pull water with me. Your smug air of superiority permeates the air like the overcast day you’re totally oblivious to. I know that you’re judging me by the color of my skin, and I will describe it to you in order to confirm that.