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Daniel Snyder Daydreams About Wounded Knee For Kneeling Redskins

WASHINGTON—As the 2018 NFL Preseason looms large on the horizon, embattled Redskins owner Daniel Snyder experienced vivid dreams of his mighty braves nobly perishing at the hands of the 7th Cavalry. In his fantasy, the players hobbled forward and leaped onto rifle bayonets while patting their ululating mouths with open palms.

Considering himself a champion of race rights ever since he magnanimously didn’t have his players whipped for standing with locked arms during the national anthem, Snyder’s free minutes and hours have become increasingly preoccupied with visions of he and his team as racial caricatures of Native American struggling against U.S. government trademark infringement. Numerous wild-eyed interviews where he feverishly describes how a Blackfeet Nation leader named Blackie signed off on the team logo appear to reinforce his stalwart racial sensitivity.

As Snyder’s fantasy evolved on Thursday, the Redskins’ cheerleaders emerged from tipis and swarmed the battlefield to avenge what he calculated to be a completely racially sensitive martyrdom. “Get them, my beautiful squaws,” he murmured while gazing out a window and absentmindedly tracing a breast in the glass.