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Trump Promises Resurrection of All Fallen Soldiers. Nice!

In an uncharacteristic maneuver for this silent and pensive president, Donald Trump spoke to the people on Monday through a social media platform he has typically eschewed. Breaking his cloistered silence to commemorate those who have given their lives while serving in the United States armed forces, he made it clear that he intended for all of them to rise from the grave.

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This pronouncement from on high arrives as this White House comes under increasing scrutiny for attachment to tall tales and defrauding the American public. Trump’s unwavering support for the integrity of the fifth estate seemed to falter somewhat in the tweets he thumbed out under the podium while giving his address at Arlington today. His finger work may have been impaired by tightly gripping a wand purchased from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

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President Trump proceeded to wave his wand imperially while muttering incantations against dementia that appear to be having no noticeable impact.