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Trump Blames U.S. Prisoner Strike on Removal of Mystical Confederate Effigies Against Black Crime

WASHINGTON D.C.—President Trump delivered a surprise press conference on the White House lawn this morning in response to nationwide prisoner protests over unfair conditions. He decried the source of the peaceful protests, citing the removal of ancient magical wards against “spreading darkness”. Citing the numerous examples of citizens’ groups and politicians “taking a big fat eraser and removing our historical shields against barbarism,” Trump suggested that we made this bed, now we get to lie in it.

Clutching a small figure of Robert E. Lee carved from soapstone, he explained to the nation that statues of Confederate war heroes have stood a silent vigil against the day when they might awaken like the golem of Talmudic legend to once again chain our foes and drive them back to the abyss. A small wind picked up and he gasped, eyeing the horizon expectantly.

“The liberal left have systematically eroded our faith in these ancient protectors against the darkness, and we are reaping what we sow. Now, like the Smoke Monster from LOST, the devil has been unleashed and we are well and truly fucked.”

“We’re really ass fucked,” he continued.

As the press conference concluded, he waved away his Secret Service retinue and raced across the lawn to his faithful Bikers for Trump contingent. Hopping on the back of one of the hogs and wrapping his arms tightly around the rider, he beat his thighs several times against the motorcycle as though it were a horse.