politician being awful

Florida Did Something About Gun Violence: Shunned Porn

Mass Shootings Surely a Thing of the Past After Porn Receives Stern Talking-To

In the wake of the most recent deadly school shooting in Tallahassee, FL, the state’s House of Representatives convened to tackle once and for all the obvious causes behind a growing epidemic of gun violence tightening its white-knuckled grip on our nation’s balls. Not ones to shy away from the hard topics until children are outside literally screaming at them, they knew that no lengthy filibuster would save them from legitimately cracking down on this problem.

As every increasingly angry young American knows, feeling like your hands are tied about an issue leads inevitably to furious masturbation. The brilliant minds at the FL House of Reps are no exception, as their wild circlejerk replete with hog calls and vigorous congratulatory ass slaps on Tuesday proved. While the survivors of this recent massacre gathered outside begging the Representatives to do something so that they might survive another year, the House had just declared pornography a public health risk.

A sole voice of reason amidst the wild fists cranking away like starving Romanian grandmothers on a tuber farm was Representative Carlos Guillermo Smith. In what was for Florida a strikingly poignant connection of syllables into a crude sketch of language, he asked the author of the bill if pornography has killed or injured anyone. Between wild and relentless hip thrusts into a rolled up copy of the Constitution, that bill’s author Rep Spano shrugged noncommittally. “This noble and irresistibly sexy document doesn’t give anyone the right to bear porn.”

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