Washington, DC—The flag sitting atop the White House returned to half staff on Monday in remembrance of John McCain’s service to the nation once senior aides successfully explained human mortality to President Trump. A lesson long overdue, it was delivered on a mixture of media favored by Trump including whiteboard illustrations and a Sesame Street special about grieving.
The president initially rejected attempts to educate him about the cycle of life, forcing aides to repeatedly pick up their whiteboards as his tantrum escalated. While early efforts to explain what occurs when a bullet traverses through a human heart met a dead end, crude drawings of Trump lying down with X’s for eyes and his tongue lolling out of his mouth drew a pronounced gasp from the leader of the free world.
Once he fully comprehended the loss of Senator McCain, President Trump reportedly sought reassurance from aides that this “wasn’t his fault”. Attending staff were quick to respond that nothing was ever his fault and that he would be President forever and ever. Confident that he was still the best and that everyone loved him, the president clapped excitedly and proclaimed that it was now Ice Cream Time.
At press time, Trump was enjoying a double scoop of vanilla ice cream and considering legal hurdles to exhuming McCain just to be sure his leg wasn’t being pulled.