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FEMA Officials Hounded by White House for Access to “Golden Alert Laptop”

After a test of the Presidential Alert system on Wednesday morning reached U.S. mobile phones across the nation, rumblings from the White House signaled a problem. After being denied a squirrel, the President insisted that FEMA hand over what he described as the “spectacular, miraculous, glorious golden laptop” which sends messages that everyone must read.

“I must have this spectacular device,” Trump screamed at White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. “My old Twitter is broken and useless. I WANT MY ALERT SYSTEM.”

For hours, the switchboard at the Federal Emergency Management Agency has been lit with every color of gum drop; from Catastrophe Carmine to Ruin Rose. Its doors have been mysteriously shut to the public for years, leaving lovers of candy and swift national emergency response alike curious about its mysterious inner workings.

The secretive head of FEMA, Brock Long, has been in seclusion pending an investigation by a federal watchdog committee into how he may have sweetened the job through misuse of federal vehicles. But rumors abound that a single golden laptop is available for one lucky president to say whatever they please to the nation, at all hours of the day.

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was not to be left out in the cold, either. Weeping and stuffing his mouth with blueberries, he called in to ask Long if FEMA provided resources for public relations disasters; barring that, advice for dealing with his wife’s cold shoulder these days.

Long quipped over the phone, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” before dancing a jig and diving into a chocolate waterfall.