In a shocking strategic pivot, Donald Trump took to Twitter on Friday accusing Robert Mueller of sexually assaulting him. Embattled by investigations into Russian influence swaying his 2016 election as well as his Supreme Court nominee’s qualifications, Trump courageously came forward about his rape by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
Coming as a shock to his loyal constituents who largely don’t believe in rape–likening it to unicorns or immigrants capable of moral decisions–Trump related a nightmarish attack on top of the Oval Office desk.
“He came into the Oval and leaned back against the door, locking it behind him. I knew something was up immediately, because this is my go-to move. I mean, that is how I would do it. He moved like a cheetah across the room and I didn’t have time to scream before he had shoved a fistful of my tie into my mouth,” Trump’s first tweet began.
“As he entered me all I could think about was how strong his hands were, blanketing mine like large Afghan rugs,” Trump continued. “This agent of the Deep State was plumming MY depths, and I knew that I had to be brave for America.”
“The takeaway here is that I’m not a victim–I’m a hero. When Strong Bob tried to rob me of my agency, he was only strengthening my resolve to get Kavanaugh into the SCOTUS. Handsome Robert won’t return my calls, but I’m still in control. #Me #CallMe”