Our Ideal Nutaku Gaming Platform Offerings
Let’s not beat around the bush any more than we must to achieve completion: video games that don’t offer copious sexual themes are the worst. The average human being can’t look at a rotary telephone without experiencing an immediate need for carnal release because we are base creatures unclean in the eyes of a loving God. Long abandoned by our creator, we seek the divine where we can: in pornography and knitting.
Enter Nutaku. Like some sort of guardian angel for our collective libido, Nutaku has descended from the heavens offering panacea for what ails our aching loins and batshit minds. In December, PCGamer wrote that adult gaming development publisher Nutaku was investing $10 million to reinvent some preexisting games as sweaty X-rated reincarnations.
At the time, they had partnered up with EQ-Games to re-imagine motorcycle brawler Road Redemption in the best way possible: lots and lots of nudity. This brilliant maneuver really strikes a rich vein–everybody knows how tremendously safe riding a motorcycle is already. With the conscientious driving of everyone else these days, you’re essentially a swaddled infant wrapped up in warm butterscotch Sun rays. The lack of distraction makes it an ideal environment for brutality and lust.
After reading about this, we got inspired. Admittedly, we wasted a lot of precious writing time just doodling gargantuan cocks all over our old Nintendo mags at first. But THEN, we got to thinking about how our ideal Nutaku development rollout might go.
This one is almost too easy. The inhospitable environs of the Pacific Northwest in the early 1800s have too long gone without a steamy Danielle Steele romance treatment. There’s no greater aphrodisiac than a shared life-threatening experience, so the historical Oregon trail was likely one long orgy with brief interludes of projectile diarrhea and vomiting brought on by dysentery anyway. You’re welcome, Nutaku.
The way we see it, sexy Oregon Trail is classy. It’s Love in the Time of Cholera with added penetration. Tasteful. There’s no need to cut away with jarring animations when you can fit the heat snugly into the action. Real choices with real consequences bring fresh character to the title.
Need to ford a river crossing and fresh out of 2×4’s? Have no fear, pioneer, just use the wood you got. *Thwump*. It writes itself.
…just use the wood you got. *Thwump*.
You just brought back a dead ox and three of your sons perished on the hunt? The time for grieving is over, explorer. Your wife is begging you to bring her that meat.
Bring her that meat.
New scenarios abound, stretching the limits of imagination along with your pleated pants:
- Pioneer Hezekiah has been emerging from your covered wagon with your wife’s fire engine red lipstick smeared all over his trousers. Does your violent heart boil over into a fury years in the making, or do your liberal leanings encourage a generous high five?
- You happen upon one of your moron daughters making love to a stag in a glade. Do you intercede in order to prevent the abomination this unholy union will create, or look forward to a hideous centaur grandson?
Factually, writer Chris Onstad of online comic strip Achewood already covered this ground a staggering 15 years ago. A sexual maven beyond compare, he was deeply in tune with the needs of the people. In his Oregon Trail story arc, a hacker had implemented a sequence of new modules into Oregon Trail that introduced a seductive blacksmith named Hiram.
While the descent into a crisis relationship where your new blacksmith lover’s Atkins diet doesn’t permit them to eat the paella you spent all damn day making does seem to fall outside Nutaku’s purview, we can dream.
From the early days of its developmental release in 2009, Minecraft has been a beacon in the night for the sexually monstrous. While polite society shuttered its windows against the calculating and ever-horny evil lurking there, Minecraft players surged like a creamy tide into the abyss.
Casting a wide net to capture the morally destitute in its clutches, this game has stood the test of time to spawn a multitude of similar Builder Genital Simulators (BGS) within the independent development sphere.
Ever since Minecraft creator Notch inadvertently crowned himself Digital Caligula, voxel worlds have sprung up in the hundreds of thousands. Each of these worlds may hold the bright promise of human ingenuity, a blank canvas on which to scrawl one’s unique artistic vision. They might, but we would never know–every single Minecraft player for nearly a decade has instead erected grotesque monuments to sexual insanity with their seed.
Did things improve once Microsoft purchased the title? It’s a mixed bag. Their XBox console platform doesn’t allow modding to the same extent as the PC, so those players have been preserved from most of the nightmare. PC players, on the other hand, have had a wild cornucopia of publicly sourced mods at their disposal. In a nutshell, they have existed in a metaphysical pseudo-state of orgasmic intensity that would send Kinsey screaming to a nunnery.
Since the gaming environment of Minecraft already resembles a soggy shag carpet in Boogie Nights, we think Nutaku could take an approach of sexual denial instead. Stop providing unique and rewarding achievements to players who have built baroque statues of forbidden coitus and make them build a stupid house instead. We’re talking about serious edging.
We also want villagers to completely stop providing sexual favors in exchange for emeralds. For the uninitiated, players of Minecraft can locate villages in the wilderness of their randomly generated world. These population centers stand in stark contrast to the untamed wilds surrounding them even from a distance due to the unmistakable neon glow from their red light districts.
Deprivation is the cornerstone of desire. Passion is born from need. Make us dig for it.
A surprise hit when it released in 1993, Myst shocked the gaming community by presenting a troubling conundrum: Alone on an island, where can I go masturbate and feel watched? The alarming solitude the player faced at every turn escalated as they frantically searched for someone, ANYONE to expose themselves to.
A first-person sojourn through a fully interactive world (Wowey Zowey!) is fertile soil for a zesty reincarnation from Nutaku. Click after trembling click will peel back the delicate petals of a new mystery–the mystery of the female orgasm.
Imagine moving without any real confidence in your sexual prowess through the labyrinthine halls of a strange manor. The hush of silence is only occasionally pierced by groans and sighs behind low-resolution mahogany walls. Do you dare intrude?
When you finally locate the only Victorian revel mask not yet in use, it bears the name of the woman who jilted you at the altar (you had to enter this at the start of the game). Your shame now absolute, you feel strangely emboldened to waltz in on people having sex.
Grasping the knob, you slowly open the first door to… oh. Ugh.
“S-sorry, wrong, uh… wrong room.”
That was terrible. That was no good. Let’s uh, let’s try another room.
Nope, no. That’s worse than the last one. What the HELL.
We Could Go On, But We’re Spent
We implore Nutaku to turn a keen eye on our wish list. More and more of us are turning into sex-starved refugees in a wasteland of temptation without any succor. We long for a triple-breasted Donkey Kong to emerge from the screen with a French tickler. Give us the decadent Eyes Wide Shut experience we crave.