The U.S. Dollar to Be Replaced with Crippling Fears over the Future
In a maneuver intended to bolster U.S. economic outlooks, the Fed has rolled out a plan to fast track a transition of all United States currency to anxieties and fears. With an overwhelming majority of the populace awash in feelings of restlessness and a total lack of control over our stupid and wasted fucking lives, chief economists hope that we will infuse the economy with our ennui.
Spending is projected to improve remarkably once the runaway train of our self-doubts and nameless longing for a better life has been successfully monetized. The ignored and marginalized are expected to redistribute their newfound wealth just like the 1% do… oh, fiddlecocks.
Investors Abandon Tech Stocks, Join Fight Clubs
Once tech markets revealed that all value we ascribe to the crystal castles of our economy is so much spent ejaculate, investors have quickly resorted to good old fashioned violence. Donning print-out paper masks of their favorite tech execs, they gather in dark rotary clubs lit only by the Robinhood apps on their phones. Tonight they are all bullish on the blood market.
I’m Buying a Yacht to Sail Into Oblivion
With the turning of luck for so many emotionally destitute and nerve-wracked, the financial sector is scrambling to provide guidance to filthy rich worriers. Purchases of financial software Quicken Pro have skyrocketed among those who just last week believed that President Donald Trump represented a global catastrophe in an ill-fitting suit.
Market segments most positively impacted include:
- Schizophrenics concerned about next time they’ll eat shit thinking it’s prime rib
- Left-leaning voters who don’t understand the hellish landscape they have inherited
- High school students who can’t afford the premiums on their life insurance policies
Midlife Crisis? More Like Gold Rush
Recently homeless and HIV-positive Samantha Forrester is not quite sure what to do with her sudden windfall. Reporters caught up with her on a first class flight to Geneva, Switzerland, the only nation where her newfound wealth can be fully insured.
“I had settled my affairs in this life and prepared for the end. I pray only that I can find enough drugs to buy with my material wealth to forget what the ravages of time have wrought on me, body and soul,” she said at the press conference launching her new competitor to vehicle manufacturer Tesla Motorworks.
“There is no passion, no home in my breast for the warmth of inspiration,” she continued at press time. “I scratch at the bottom of the world with ragged nails to make a cold hole where I may die out of sight and memory.” Forrester is slated to feature as TIME’s Person of the Year.