Pope Clarifies That Hell Exists and We Must Topple Its Throne in Barad-dûr

Pontiff Suggests the Orcs Went Forth to Rape and War, and Balrog Captains Marched Before

After being introduced to the Lord of the Rings trilogy over the weekend, the Pope scheduled an immediate address in St. Peter’s Square to clarify the Vatican’s position on Perdition as a very real location that all men of faith must prepare to combat. Calling upon all faithful to Eru Ilúvatar to rally around the banner of extinguishing darkness, he expounded on how we might band together in common cause.

Pope Francis dons his sunglasses and non-canon Evenstar necklace

“When I suggested that there is no timeless place for the souls of sinners to dwell in mute admonishment for all of eternity I was misquoted. There is a place where an all-seeing eye gazes hungrily at the weak and unrepentant, plotting the End of Man and punishments beyond description. It lies in the northwest plains of Mordor,” Pope Francis shouted to the assembled masses of Roman Catholics.

The Pope continued, “We must be courageous in the face of this threat to our way of life. Take inspiration from the sacrifices of Samwise in his quest with Frodo to destroy the One Ring. Like his steadfast companion Frodo, we will cast our sins into the abyss and say It is done.”

When asked how these revelations are meant to be interpreted within the context of Scripture, the Pontiff firmly replied, “There is only one King, and he is Aragorn.”


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