The Los Angeles Police Department Code of Conduct Has Been Reduced to ‘Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law’
Los Angeles, CA—In order to modernize an outdated code of conduct that didn’t properly reflect current ethics standards, Los Angeles police departments have been rolling out updates that comply with Thelemic Law. The change is intended to boost morale in the face of criticism by eliminating any confusing pretense of protecting or serving.
The strong appeal of Thelema’s sexual magick to law enforcement became clear after Steve Sobroff, President of the Los Angeles Board of Police Commissioners, reviewed a study correlating wanton police violence with heightened libido. According to the study, 1 in 4 officers reported experiencing overwhelming visions of the goddess Babalon beckoning them to her bedchamber after they had shot an unarmed civilian.
“It would be cruelly naïve to ignore the bodily fluid writing on the wall,” Sobroff explained in a late morning press conference at LAPD headquarters. “We are all merely animals engaged in a cruel waltz with time, subjugated by illusory social contracts. Our proud officers must shed their undignified pantomime of servitude and drink from the sacred Graal.”
The commissioner proceeded to gesture with an outstretched arm toward two citizen journalists who were immediately muzzled and dragged into the bowels of the building’s refurbished sex dungeon. Sobroff concluded his address by proposing that the Æon of Horus is upon us and that Baphomet endorses all excess, all indulgence.
Cadets and veteran officers alike are embracing the updated conduct guidelines. Many uniform cops convey a sense of relief over the changes, noting that they conform perfectly to their inherent bigotry and devil-may-care attitudes towards crime mitigation in minority neighborhoods.
“When I realized how closely married Thelemic Law was with my own instincts to do whatever the fuck, whenever the hell, it just clicked,” one officer proclaimed with wide-eyed enthusiasm. He then proceeded to fire his service revolver into the air several times without breaking eye contact with this reporter for emphasis.
“When I realized how closely married Thelemic Law was with my own instincts to do whatever the fuck, whenever the hell, it just clicked”
While neighboring police agencies have attempted to replicate the success of this change, some difficulties have cropped up. Three massive concentric circles of salt have thus far failed to slow the growing homeless population in Beverly Hills.