Praying Hands Bound in Rope

So That’s What the Kids Are Calling It These Days

Moses, Let My P**** Go

Pennsylvania police have stumbled upon what is surely the next big craze sweeping the nation among our oversexualized youth: finding a church pastor in their 60s to counsel you in the back seat of their car while you’re securely bound in nylon rope. Apparently modesty is still in vogue, since the pastor was said to be “rearranging his clothes” as the police approached. Good on him: a man of the cloth can’t be swept up in impropriety.

It’s important to find a discreet location when you’re trying to escalate the romance. George Gregory was no stranger to these unspoken rules of civility while courting a young man with a drug problem. That’s why the car was parked on an extremely well-lit street outside of a 3-year-old girl’s bedroom window.

“I have nothing to hide. I did nothing wrong,” screeched the sweaty bondage king of Sodom.

“I won’t deny that he began to take his clothes off and propositioned me,” he offered, imagining in the sex dungeon of his mind that this admission may forgive the gaping plot holes in the rest of his narrative.

“…but I will deny, on a stack of Bibles with God as my witness, that I did nothing,” Pinocchio concluded.

Missing a single ounce of irony, the most recent sermon from Gregory’s church posted online begins with a verse from Romans 8:5 reading: “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.”

Keep fighting the good fight, I say. And use a sailor’s knot you can trust.

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