Hero Cop Once Thought Extinct Returning Thanks to Breeding Program

Toronto Selective Breeding Program Promises Resurgence of Endangered Hero Cops

A rare breed of hero cop that champions the innocent and downtrodden is climbing in numbers thanks to the efforts of the Toronto Zoo. Captive breeding that selects for favorable traits could mean a return to the halcyon days of not fearing for your life when you see a badge.

In the wake of Monday’s tragic events and Toronto’s discovery that they have in their midst no less than a Kryptonian super hero, the work being done at the zoo has drawn praise from all quarters. To the complete astonishment of people who internally recite their own epitaphs when they see flashing lights in the mirror, this rare breed of cop capable of de-escalation has not yet vanished.

The successes of the program have sparked widespread interest from zoologists and horrified citizenry alike. Specialists from Toronto have been sharing their conservation strategies with zoos across the globe. The techniques originally employed in Canada have borne fruit most recently in South America at the Bioparque Los Ocarros in Colombia.

hero cop breeding program breastfeeding police officer
Future Colombian mega cop getting a dose of cask-strength hero juice

Build-a-Bear for a Hero Cop

In response to public inquiries about their hero cop selection process, the Toronto Zoo has released a table of metrics by which they determine whether the infant will develop into a well-reasoned public servant or bigoted juggernaut that defiles the homeless. Candidates are paired to increase analytical and empathetic qualities.

hero cop qualitative analysis perfectly imperfect people



Buy Don’t Shoot Officer I’m White T-Shirt on Amazon