CAPE TOWN—An Internet pedophile ring with a measly 1,000 members—small fries in the world of the sexually monstrous—has been uncovered and pillaged by an exponentially larger pedophile ring with global reach. Taking matters into their own hands when law enforcement failed to uncover the cabal of perverts, the larger ring freed 12-year-old Daniel Burroughs from his cheap rope bindings and replaced them with high quality manacles on Friday.
Tipped off about the smaller ring by a grizzled police veteran who had been ignored for years about a cover-up by his superiors, the larger conspiracy of clammy handshakes and sweaty mustaches carried out a sting operation to discover the whereabouts of the long-forgotten children in their remote dungeon.
The forest compound where Burroughs was being held was stormed early Friday morning by a crack team of pedophiles armed to the yellow teeth with stolen firearms and zip-ties. As gunfire and screaming erupted outside of the subpar dirt pit Burroughs called home, he excitedly clutched a doll made of sticks bound in twine to his chest.
“We’re saved, Steven Burrito!” he exclaimed to his inanimate best friend. As shouts of “Only take the attractive ones,” repeatedly rang out in his vicinity he yelled, “I’m here, I’m down here,” to signal his presence. When the strong hands of what Burroughs imagined were firemen pulled him out of his earthen prison, he gleefully fantasized about the years of Christmas presents he would soon be receiving.
Burroughs, held captive for years while his parents slowly forget what his face looks like when they try to remember him, expressed gratitude for the smooth aloe rubbed into his wrists by the men.