Robert Jenkins, Chief Ufologist with the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence and unwitting Lothario, has had to change his cell phone number once again. Another promising line of inquiry into the sinister government cabal that hides the truth of UFOs dead ended when Jenkins received a flood of nude photos instead.
“My efforts to engage in a serious dialogue about the Roswell incident in New Mexico are increasingly met with insistence that I gaze upon ‘these Heavenly bodies instead’, it’s quite frustrating,” Jenkins lamented on Friday. 17 years of research into exposing U.S. government black sites and the now-infamous Area 51 has required painstaking work on his part to sift through mountains of amateur pornography.
Conversations with confidential sources embedded in the highest levels of this massive cover-up usually begin with an exchange of vital intelligence and hints of the spiderweb of lies concealing the truth from the American public. Once these informants meet with the clear blue-eyed ufologist and hear his passionate suspicions about the complex plot to keep us in the dark, however, the interactions rapidly decay into aggressive sexual advances.
Mr. Jenkins’ tortured pursuit for the truth draws the sympathies of his longtime colleagues in the field. Dr. Agnes Johansson of Sweden’s Archives for UFO Research understands what he has had to endure in order to get as far as he has through the tangled web of deceit surrounding the existence of alien life.
“He’s a respectful and unassuming colleague in the search for extraterrestrial intelligence. I count him among the few great minds on our little blue marble who has never given up the hope that we will find incontrovertible evidence of a species not of this world. I just want him to bury his face between my thighs until it would take King Arthur to pull him back out.”