Birthday Card Contains Long, Detailed Message of Hate

Local man Jerry Beneke today received an extensive laundry list of his deep character flaws and irredeemable qualities masquerading as a festive birthday card. Received in the mail with only an image of a hand flipping the bird for a return address which he originally took as a joke, his bright mood took a turn when it dawned on him that the comprehensive list was a straightforward accusation.

“I originally thought it was from one of my bowling buddies who always rib me about my coffee breath or Carl down at the rotary–he’s gotten on my case before about my salmon shirts. But it starts to mention my erectile dysfunction which only my doctor and a handful of my exes know about and I knew at that point that this was not a humorous gag card,” he choked out between tears like a little bitch.

Beneke went on to moan like a whore about the fact that there were other pejoratives and degrading remarks that only someone with an intimate knowledge of his poor work ethic would write, essentially meaning that there was no cross section of people he knew who could have compiled this cruel rejoinder against his very existence.

“I guess that means multiple people teamed up to write it? It seems like so much work just to ruin my birthday,” the dumb bitch gulped out of his acne-scarred ruin of a face. He lamented that he wasn’t sure how he deserved a conspiracy of loathing from people who knew so much about his failures and inner fears. What an unlikable shit.

Fuck you, Jerry.


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