Netflix Reviewers Scramble for New Activity to Fill Aching Void Inside

The recent erasure of all Netflix film and television reviews has left its most stalwart reviewers feeling bereft and listless. Long accustomed to wielding the awesome power of shaping opinion for late night streamers and Tinder enthusiasts on the streaming platform, rogue critics have found themselves adrift in a cold and uncaring world. As days go by, these itinerant pundits search for new meaning.

While Netflix indicates that declining usage of the feature ultimately shaped their decision, some vagabond theorists suggest darker motives are at work.

“They couldn’t tolerate giving us one iota of control over our lives,” local Subway sandwich artisan and cinephile Greg Lewandowsky opined while preparing himself an ambitious double decker Italian BMT during his lunch break.

“I gave them the best of me for ten years and this is what I get? Just a delicious sandwich evocative of the Brooklyn-Manhattan transit system of the 30s. Each bite reveals a bit more of the complex tapestry in that time, something lost that haunts today’s more complex society. Its messy pastiche of the disorganized subway lines running beneath a city charged with energy, where anything could happen, tantalizes the senses. Timeless and supreme in flavor, it’s sure to satisfy lovers of Heaven Can Wait or Once Upon a Time in Ameri-,” he choked out before collapsing into tears.

Another reviewer shed his melancholic tenor to rail against what he considered an offensive maneuver to silence opposition.

“For a decade I stood vigil against the worst that Netflix had to offer,” said local security guard Terry Voight. “I gave the one star reviews where they were warranted, sure, but I wasn’t heavy-handed about it. Usually stuck to 2s or 3s and let my words act as your shield. That is, until Netflix enacted its own Night of the Long Knives and snuffed out my good works like a candle.”

After a long drag of his cigarette, Voight laughed under his breath before continuing, “Guess you’ll need to watch Real Rob season 2 to figure things out for yourselves now. Poor fools.”

He stared at the long pier that was his to protect for several minutes, then ignored further questions and began walking towards the guard rails. The empty man slowly removed his utility belt and disrobed before plunging into the sea.