CAPE TOWN—An Internet pedophile ring with a measly 1,000 members—small fries in the world of the sexually monstrous—has been uncovered and pillaged by an exponentially larger pedophile ring with global reach. Taking matters into their own hands when law enforcement failed to uncover the cabal of perverts, the larger ring freed 12-year-old Daniel Burroughs from his cheap rope bindings and replaced them with high quality manacles on Friday.
Robert Jenkins, Chief Ufologist with the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence and unwitting Lothario, has had to change his cell phone number once again. Another promising line of inquiry into the sinister government cabal that hides the truth of UFOs dead ended when Jenkins received a flood of nude photos instead.
Black Death Grateful for Second Chance
Following reports of polio’s grand entrance back to Venezuela for its first big gig since 1989, the bacterium Yersinia pestis (better known as the Black Death) told reporters Tuesday that it was confident in its chances of a comeback tour. “I really thought that my days were done on the world stage, but hell–if polio can make it, anyone can,” said the deadly contagion which hasn’t seen the spotlight since the early 20th century in San Francisco. It didn’t see the same acclaim, however, as when it wiped out up to 60% of Europe’s population in the mid-1400s.
I really thought that my days were done on the world stage, but hell–if polio can make it, anyone can
Asked about the breadth and scope of its dream tour, it responded “I haven’t given it a lot of thought, but I know that I wouldn’t want to play any small venues. And it would have to start out somewhere really special; I love appearances in nations rocked by economic and political crises like the United States.”
Toronto Selective Breeding Program Promises Resurgence of Endangered Hero Cops
A rare breed of hero cop that champions the innocent and downtrodden is climbing in numbers thanks to the efforts of the Toronto Zoo. Captive breeding that selects for favorable traits could mean a return to the halcyon days of not fearing for your life when you see a badge.
Pontiff Suggests the Orcs Went Forth to Rape and War, and Balrog Captains Marched Before
After being introduced to the Lord of the Rings trilogy over the weekend, the Pope scheduled an immediate address in St. Peter’s Square to clarify the Vatican’s position on Perdition as a very real location that all men of faith must prepare to combat. Calling upon all faithful to Eru Ilúvatar to rally around the banner of extinguishing darkness, he expounded on how we might band together in common cause.
The U.S. Dollar to Be Replaced with Crippling Fears over the Future
In a maneuver intended to bolster U.S. economic outlooks, the Fed has rolled out a plan to fast track a transition of all United States currency to anxieties and fears. With an overwhelming majority of the populace awash in feelings of restlessness and a total lack of control over our stupid and wasted fucking lives, chief economists hope that we will infuse the economy with our ennui.
Moses, Let My P**** Go
Pennsylvania police have stumbled upon what is surely the next big craze sweeping the nation among our oversexualized youth: finding a church pastor in their 60s to counsel you in the back seat of their car while you’re securely bound in nylon rope. Apparently modesty is still in vogue, since the pastor was said to be “rearranging his clothes” as the police approached. Good on him: a man of the cloth can’t be swept up in impropriety. Continue reading So That’s What the Kids Are Calling It These Days