Category Archives: Local

Local

Birthday Card Contains Long, Detailed Message of Hate

Local man Jerry Beneke today received an extensive laundry list of his deep character flaws and irredeemable qualities masquerading as a festive birthday card. Received in the mail with only an image of a hand flipping the bird for a return address which he originally took as a joke, his bright mood took a turn when it dawned on him that the comprehensive list was a straightforward accusation.

Continue reading Birthday Card Contains Long, Detailed Message of Hate

I Don’t Have a Gambling Problem. I Am Gambling’s Problem

I’m Coming for You Gambling, and Your Little Bitch Kenny Rogers

Once upon a time I met a tubby asshole on a train who went on to write a hit song about me. He managed to detail my gambling talent while leaving out all of my colorful exploits. “The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep”, are you pulling my fucking penis? I told Rogers that the best you can hope for is three women at the same time. I’m setting the record straight for that tone-deaf dumbbell.

Continue reading I Don’t Have a Gambling Problem. I Am Gambling’s Problem