As Tesla Inc (TSLA) stock dropped another 3% on Friday, speculators in pleasure futures moaned in dissatisfaction. Since the earliest whispers of self-driving cars reached their titillated ears and gave them the shakes, sweat-soaked perverts with their fingers on the pulse of technology giants have anticipated the announcement of sex bots. Now that eventuality may be imperiled.
In efforts to offset the tragic and completely unavoidable killing of a Trader Joe’s manager on Saturday, the store is amplifying its employee rewards track with a token to present at the River Styx. In the event that an unknowable and cruel god once again acts through the unwitting hands of a Los Angeles police officer to send them to the underworld, any Trader Joe’s manager may redeem the token for safe passage.
“Collateral damage in incidents involving officers of the LAPD is a major feature of the southern California tourism industry that we wouldn’t hope to diminish,” Trader Joe’s CEO Dan Bane began in his emailed announcement of the new benefits package. “What we can control is whether our valued staff have a fitting offering for Charon in order to secure a seat on his vessel across treacherous waters teeming with souls.”
Veteran managers throughout the region hailed this as a welcome addition to their rewards program, though some wondered if there weren’t more pressing concerns surrounding this decision. Bob Fitzgerald, longtime manager of the Van Nuys store responded to ask whether they would be able to cross into perdition with their festive tropical shirts.
Entrepreneur Fights Back Against Perceived Slights from Cereal Company
Increasingly defiant toward the pressures of celebrity since the media began reporting on his company Tesla’s lackluster business earnings, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk condemned the nutrition facts on the side of his Count Chocula box, calling it “another hostile, deliberately timed act by the media circus” and “a clear and blatant hit piece.”
Have WeChat Installed? Someone Might Be Masturbating To Audio Of You Urinating
Chinese telecommunications giant ZTE has landed in a fresh bowl of hot water as leaks reveal it has been collecting mountains of audio recordings while Stateside owners used the restroom. The news comes as President Donald Trump and defrocked pop singer R. Kelly join forces on Twitter to defend the the Chinese firm’s amber stream of revenue.