Promise of Autonomous Sex Robots Threatened By Tesla Stock Fall

As Tesla Inc (TSLA) stock dropped another 3% on Friday, speculators in pleasure futures moaned in dissatisfaction. Since the earliest whispers of self-driving cars reached their titillated ears and gave them the shakes, sweat-soaked perverts with their fingers on the pulse of technology giants have anticipated the announcement of sex bots. Now that eventuality may be imperiled.

“The next logical step beyond autonomous vehicles is lusty fuck bots to satiate the most depraved and inhumane proclivities festering in our dark hearts. I can’t go back to prison,” said accountant and Congressional hopeful Nathan Larson on Friday. “My libido is a five alarm structure fire that can only be managed by an advanced processor capable of predicting my every deeply immoral thought. Elon needs to get Tesla back on track and delivering on its shareholder promises.”

Tesla Inc has been cagey about its plans beyond stabilizing their vehicle delivery program through 2019. While it is easy to imagine this plucky upstart in the automotive world to prevail with a South African sexual dynamo at the helm, some hedge funds have been less than optimistic about the chances of Tesla’s leaked road map through 2025 from being delivered on.

Tesla Inc leaked road map:

  • Purchase of retired IBM chess super computer Deep Blue to test pickup line opening strategies

  • Tesla Model 3 “Tickle” Mode

  • Scaling down the submersible for organic environments

  • Disney partnership to co-opt Small World ride as test platform

  • Capture of escaped prototype G.rimes for troubleshooting

Steve Eisman, popularized in “The Big Short” and notable for his portfolio containing a robust collection of pornography studios and cellphone CPU manufacturers, is shorting Tesla over the recent fervor. “Daddy needs to see some real signs of progress towards expansion on the Fuck Bot manufacturing chain. That’s what Poppa like,” he told MarketWatch.