You Don’t Get To Choose Your Toxic & Friendless Audience
Paul Thomas Anderson, famed writer and director of The Dirk Diggler Story (1988) and Hard Eight (1996), was gratified beyond belief upon learning that one of his lesser known works has accrued a significant cult following on the Internet. The movie Magnolia is regarded as a founding document of incorporation for the online Incel (or ‘Involuntary Celibate’) community.
Hailed as a luminary by downtrodden teenagers fed up with milking themselves silly to leaked celebrity photos, he has earned the moniker of The Lonely Bloke’s Wes Anderson with just cause. Apart from this, P.T. Anderson is perhaps best known for repeatedly casting Luis Guzmán in his films.
How Far We’ve Come: From Virginity to Virginity
Born in 1970, Paul Thomas Anderson was the first of a generation of filmmakers in the video store era of loneliness. While Chad filmmakers like Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas (known for their blockbuster films exploring flashy explosions, sexy aliens, and the Holocaust) had the opportunity to cut their teeth on 8mm media that really makes panties drop, Anderson got his start shooting on video and editing for VCR shut-in culture. It was the dawn of a new abysmal era for the ostracized and loveless.
Anderson emerged from his career’s adolescence a cruel shadow of his contemporaries. Long teased and abused by more muscular and popular directors, he leaned in to his persecution complex with abandon.
The Clammy Handshake of Fate
As Anderson’s life dwindled to a red pinpoint of seething hatred for more hirsute and loud directors, his body of work reflected the filmmaker’s descent into madness. His IMDB page reads like his very own Dorian Grey portrait, just barely concealing the shattered sex demon inside.
If you read between the lines in the neutrally curated reviews below, you can catch a glimpse of Anderson’s descent into madness.
A filmmaker reveals his pornography addiction to the world
While touted as a no-holds-barred sex romp across the sticky floors of the LA film industry, Boogie Nights reveals itself to the clinical eye as an exploration of one filmmaker’s desires for Mark Wahlberg. Unable to admit his lust out of fear of rejection, Anderson squarely aims Wahlberg’s loins at every female cast member. We observe Philip Seymour Hoffman installed haphazardly into scenes as a quivering representation of an impotent god, ultimately unworthy of its creation. Surprisingly, the film was originally intended as a sedate biopic of Burt Reynolds’ life.
Flowers are a metaphor for the unsolvable riddle of the vagina
After conquering an imminent need to pursue his manic desires of the Ultimate Brad, Anderson expanded his work outward with Magnolia. Here he explored the unrequited love for frogs shared by a ragtag group of misfits modeled after The Goonies. Rich in cultural symbolism like flowers and adult braces, the film became a lightning rod for men who haven’t worked out why abrasive insults and patronizing pocket philosophy don’t serve to spontaneously impregnate women.
How an autistic man snared a Stacey in his spider’s web of pudding
In this tour de force featuring young up-and-coming Netflix star Adam Sandler, Anderson showed us his comedic side. As the extraordinarily complex plot unfolds, our rigid and sex-deprived hero inserts violence into a coin operated machine which produces love like a Cadbury Egg for his troubles. Sméagols throughout the Midwest rejoice.
There Will Be Blood
Dickhead oil magnate learns to connect with people by drinking their milk shakes
This is an interesting one. A wizened man might suggest that P.T.A. delved too deep. Too GREEDILY. Into the Mines of Self-Loathing. In an effort to project what a sex-starved man child might look like in their twilight years, Anderson flipped a coin between Western and Cyberpunk themes and landed on the former. An anxious Daniel Day-Lewis, unfamiliar with period themes and overwhelmed with a need to emulate Kevin Kline’s inventor in Wild Wild West resorts to mumbling racial epithets and spiking the camera.
An addled pervert overcomes his inner demons by trying his best to complete the hellish obstacle course of answering the same question over and over and touching walls repeatedly
C’mon, everyone loves a good cult movie. Literally. Anderson documents a liquored-up drifter with zero filter in his descent–ascent?–whatever–into a religious cult to show the truly incredible life-changing power of blind, unconditional acceptance when it comes to the asking and answering of those constant inappropriate questions. You’ll walk away wanting to help the Beach Boys write a song before starting a thrill kill gang.
Josh Brolin bullies a witless hippy into doing cocaine with a dentist
Do you enjoy muddled plot lines and on-the-nose pothead humor? So does Paul Thomas Anderson. After becoming obsessed with 2008’s Pineapple Express, he became convinced that he had to recreate it with ominous undertones and Reese Witherspoon. Josh Brolin pushes Joaquin Phoenix around like a shopping cart while sporting a crew cut and an oral fixation you’ll be sure to love.
Man finally achieves orgasm by making a dress
We couldn’t bring ourselves to see this because we want to remember Daniel Day-Lewis fondly.
One Is the Loneliest Number
As the war on the lonely ramps up in the media, it’s important to rally around the fact that everything is some woman’s fault and that we have a champion in Anderson. If you’re just one of the overwhelming majority of nonviolent lonesome people who still regard the opposite sex as real people worthy of respect, check out some of the movies above to get woke. The Chads are coming.
Did you enjoy reading about Paul Thomas Anderson’s illustrious and lonely career? Try reading about the Pope’s Gandalf cosplay on for size, lover. Or buy a novelty shirt for yourself or as a funny gag gift to harass a confused acquaintance.